so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
