I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
