conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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