i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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