hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
