hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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