Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dear god my vagina.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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