Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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