she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
