before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
