She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Randomize
