I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Come share oat with me in your robe
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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