I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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