I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
