I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
