It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
do nipples grow back?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
