The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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