i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
