I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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