he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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