I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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