Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
