Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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