This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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