what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
