i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
