That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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