So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
