You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
