The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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