I CAN MOONWALK!
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize