someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
