Moan for me like Helen Keller
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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