The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
