You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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