Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
