I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
