Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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