last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm too high and old for this...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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