I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
