ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
