please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize