I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
