he told me I talked like a deaf person
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
