Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
