I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Walk of Shame today included voting.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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