she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
