I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
