I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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