I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You ruined the universe
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
