Only a mothe r could love this liver
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
