Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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