and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
