I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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