Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
please come you make the beer taste better
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
third nipple confirmed
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
