tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
