mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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