kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
