Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
