Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
