My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
