My hand turned me down
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
